[7GM694] How To Deal With Trust Issues Within A Relationship

What is Trust?
Trust is that feeling you can rely on other people to be honest, fair, and respectful. Issues arise when the trust you have placed in others gets destroyed. You may have taken the risk of trusting another person but it has gone badly. You feel hurt, betrayed, and scared to trust again.

Trust is about believing that other people will behave as you expect. And, that they will act in an appropriate way. Trust comes into play in relationships between individuals. Social trust also applies to everyone as part of larger groups.

Social systems in any civil society revolve around trust. Trust is necessary for all kinds of human relationships and we are all social actors. All interactions with other people involve a level of trust, especially with your friends, family, and colleagues. A part of being a human being, it’s no wonder people have trust issues from time to time.

How you trust other people depends a lot on your experiences throughout life – from the time you’re in the womb even. The environment you’re raised in plays a big part in how you trust other people. Being raised in a mistrustful environment can result in a lack of trust later in life.

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The choices and decisions you make as you grow into an adult also impact on your ability to trust. Traumatic events also affect our ability to trust. We make calls about whether to trust other people every day. Also in all kinds of situation. With any betrayal of trust, associated trust issues can come to the fore.

What are Trust Issues?
Trust issues are actually forms of defense mechanisms, but not necessarily healthy ones. People may create ways to avoid the risk of possible disappointment. Especially when they start to expect that they cannot ever trust other people. This can result in self-sabotage. They project what has happened in their past onto what may happen in the future. It becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Do you think you may have trust issues? Here are three signs that your levels of trust may have suffered:

You Don’t Believe What Other People Tell You: Honesty is an important part of any relationship. When you know someone has lied to you your trust in them is blown. Always wanting to fact check what someone says is a warning sign that you have trust issues. Even if there is no logical reason to doubt what a person has said, you check it out. You ask others if what they said is true. Or, you do a little digging and research to confirm what they are saying.

You Expect the Worst: You are always on-guard and anticipating that others will betray you. Even when there are no signs that it is going to happen. Lack of trust and trust issues may include being extra suspicious of other people’s motives and behavior. You feel taken advantage of, but only because it has happened before. You feel like you can trust no-one.

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You Keep People At A Distance: You may long for deep and meaningful relationships in your life. Yet, you find most of your friendships or relationships are superficial. You may have trust issues with letting yourself go with emotional or physical intimacy or commitment with others. You may find yourself feeling like an outcast or labeled as a loner.
Certain personality types may have trust issues. They are also found in mental health conditions and more serious illnesses. These can include depression, post traumatic stress, adjustment disorders, and personality disorders. A health professional can diagnose these in consultation with individuals.

Even more so if you have experience betrayals of your trust in the past. Feelings of mistrust can run deep. It does take time and commitment. Reflect on your past. Think about how it may impact how you feel. Accept other people for who they are rather than what you are afraid they will be.

Acknowledge and Learn From the Past: If you have experienced breaches of trust in the past, acknowledge this. It is very similar to the grieving process. You need to go through the stages of acknowledging what has happened. Then accepting and finding ways to move forward in a different way than before. It has happened, but it does not mean that it is going to happen again. You may be repeating patterns if you always getting hurt with the same types of people or situations. Reflect on these patterns of trust issues in relationships and learn from them.

Start Small: Baby steps are good when it comes to developing trust in any kind of relationship. Let people earn your trust. Rather than diving straight in at the deep end, start with something small. Think of your very first job. Did your boss let you run the company on the first day? Highly unlikely! You have to prove your trustworthiness. Let trust build gradually and naturally. Don’t blindly put your full trust in someone from the get-go in your personal relationships.

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Face Any Issues: If any issues arise, face them. Think about whether there is a breach of trust in this relationship. Or maybe you are subconsciously protecting yourself from the risk of it happening. Learn ways to communicate openly with other people. Seek advice and support from health professionals if you feel you cannot trust people. They can help you get to the root of the cause. They will work with you to develop strategies to overcome trust issues.

How about at work?

Consider these misunderstood truths about authentic trust – the kind of trust that builds workplaces and ignites engagement:

1. Trust is not always a good thing. There are many types of trust. Non-authentic, basic trust can be unrealistic, naïve, foolish, or blind. Yet, many people still operate at work with this simple kind of trust most of us started with as babies. Childlike trust is not authentic trust. It’s not the kind of trust that builds work relationships. Trust is not inherently good or not good. It’s how and when it’s applied.

2. Mistrust is not the opposite of trust. Control is. Notice where there is a lack of authentic trust and you’ll see controlling people. Giving trust is a choice to be made but once it’s given, accountability tied with freedom is at its core.

3. There is always risk when giving trust. Authentic trust is an action developed through critical thought and experience. It doesn’t deny the past or ignore the possibility of future trust broken, either intentional or unintentional. Those operating with authentic trust weigh the risks and benefits before giving it.

4. Trust is a process. Authentic trust is not a screensaver waiting in the background until it’s needed. It’s not the glue that holds things together. Authentic trust is a learned emotional skill. It involves an ongoing process of relationship building, where the relationship is more important than any one particular outcome.

5. Trust is about people not things. Trust involves interpersonal engagement. We may use the word, associating trust with things as well as people, but one can’t really “trust” their car. We confuse trust with “dependable” or “reliable.” Authentic trust requires commitments made and commitments honored. It necessitates decision, action, and response.

6. Trust is conditional. There are limits and conditions with authentic trust. When we say we trust someone, there is a presumed statement of conditionality. I may trust my mechanic to work on my car, but I don’t trust him to do my root canal.

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7. To get trust you must give it. If you want to be trusted you must first give trust. You may be loveable, but that won’t get you love – loving will. Sharing, not hoarding information gets you communication, and respect comes by respecting others. As a relationship process, authentic trust is no different. Contrary to popular belief, trust is not earned. You start trust by giving trust.

Authentic trust, like love, is cultivated, grown, and nurtured. We make authentic trust. We make it by what we do and how we do it. We make it by what we say and how we say it. We make it by showing up and being authentic. We make it by giving it away.

How to build trust at work?

Give co-workers praise when it’s due One way to cultivate authentic relationships with your peers is to praise their work. “When you give credit to others, you’re seen as gracious,” says Los Angeles–based executive coach Libby Gill. However, “it has to be authentic and well timed,” says Gill. A team meeting, for example, is a natural setting to celebrate a co-worker’s big career achievement or say thank you for someone’s help with a project.

Avoid office gossip
We know this is easier said than done, but the plaint truth is office gossip can be toxic. Furthermore, “gossiping doesn’t even build trust with the people you’re gossiping with because they’re going to fear you’ll do the same thing to them,” says Gill. A better coping mechanism? When you’re frustrated with a co-worker, vent to someone outside the company.

If you have an issue with a co-worker, try to resolve the problem with the person in private before bringing it to your boss, Robinson advises.

Share information
Being perceived as a team player by your co-workers builds trust, but you have to take steps to shape your image.

Let’s say you attended an industry conference. Rather than hogging all you learned so that only you can benefit, sharing what you learned with your peers can help establish credibility as a team player.

But it’s important to have the right intentions. “If your goal is to help your colleagues and peers develop and succeed, you’ll build trust,” McClure says. If you’re just sharing because you want something in return, odds are your peers are going to pick up on that and trust you less.

Trust others
This sounds like a no-brainer, but if you view others as trustworthy, chances are they’ll reciprocate. Give your co-workers all the help they need from you, then trust them to execute.

This goes doubly if you’re someone’s manager. Many supervisors unintentionally micromanage their employees, and that can be a huge blow to building trust.

To avoid over-meddling, Gill recommends setting check-in meetings—say, once a week or once a month—so that you can effectively oversee your direct reports without hovering over their shoulder.

Invest in your employees’ development
If you manage others, part of your job is to help your direct reports grow by gaining new skills and sharpening the skills they already have. To do that though, you have to provide them with honest feedback—a combination of praise and constructive criticism—on a regular basis, says Gill.

Performance reviews are another opportunity to build trust with your direct reports. “People trust leaders who make them feel valued,” says McClure. By asking your employees what you can be doing to better support their work, you’ll not only solidify a good work relationship but also boost their level of engagement.

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Be consistent
Leaders want people who routinely exceed their expectations—meaning you have to produce excellent work day in and day out. No one on your team should have to wonder whether you’re going to deliver. “You have to be trusted to not only do a great job but also deliver results on time,” says Marcelle Yeager, president of Career Valet, a professional coaching firm.

Not only does your performance need to be consistent, but so should your mood. “Your boss needs to know that you can be counted on to keep a calm, cool, and collected mind,” says Robinson, “otherwise the trust level is going to go way down.”

Pay attention to non-verbal communication
Your body language can help you build trust with co-workers, but it can also undermine your efforts if you’re not careful. Research shows a slumping posture or crossed arms can turn people off. Conversely, making eye contact and nodding to show your interest can help build trust. Create a welcoming atmosphere for others so they don’t hesitate to approach you. Being open to your co-workers will make them feel invited to share ideas and feedback with you.

Welcome new hires graciously
Managers play a crucial role in their company’s onboarding process, which can be a great way of boosting employee retention. (One survey from Paycom found that a great onboarding experience can reduce turnover by 157% and boost employee engagement by 54%.) That’s why it’s important for supervisors to make new hires feel welcome. Even small gestures, like taking someone out for coffee or lunch, can enable you to build rapport and trust from the start. (Read more at donpramis.com)